How non-Mormons and Mormons can build stronger relationships
I hesitate to write this post.
I am not “Mormon”. And by that I mean I am not a “member” of “The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS)”.
But I am married to a Mormon. (Note: I really should write the preferred phrase: “member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,” but that is such a mouthful.) When I say Mormon, I mean a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I’m not referring to the separate fundamentalist, polygamist sect.
I also live in Utah. In Utah, Mormons make up 63% of the state population; a majority.
In order for Utah to maximize its opportunity, non-Mormons and Mormons need to build real relationships and work together.
The challenge for non-Mormons in Utah
If you are a non-Mormon in Utah, it can be difficult to build new relationships with Mormons. This makes social and business life hard: relationships are the foundation of a happy life and a winning business.
I know this from first-hand experience. When I moved to Utah in 2007, I had no idea what Mormonism was. Worse, most of the new people I met in Park City — a resort town in Utah — didn’t know much about Mormons either. And what they did know, they described with disdain. It wasn’t until I moved my company from Park City to Salt Lake City in 2014 that I began to understand.
Park City is a bubble. If you live in Park City and avoid the rest of Utah, you can get away with not knowing a damn thing about the LDS Church (Note: Mormons prefer “darn”.) That was me until 2014.
When I moved to Salt Lake City, building strong relationships became difficult for the first time in my life.
Making new friends was hard. Back east, making a friend was as simple as “let’s grab a beer”. That doesn’t work with Mormons as they don’t drink alcohol. On top of this, many Mormon men my age were already married with kids. Doing anything after work was hard for them.
Building business relationships was harder. Mormons dominate Utah business and politics. And many Mormons have a trust bias towards other Mormons.
In both personal and business situations, it took me a long time to feel comfortable spending intimate time with Mormons. I didn’t feel comfortable asking questions. I was afraid to offend. I made assumptions. This kept me from having real conversations that build trust. No example illustrates this better than my relationship with my wife, Sable.
I first met Sable in early 2015 when her apartment had flooded. We lived in the same apartment complex. The minute I saw her, I fell in love. She was beautiful, kind, and smart. I wanted to date her. But when I learned she was Mormon, I talked myself out of it. She was probably already married. And even if she wasn’t, she wouldn’t date a non-Mormon anyway. It took me over a year to ask her out, and we married two years later.
I missed out on a year with Sable. I also missed out on countless other relationships with good people who happened to be Mormon. If I knew what I knew now, my life would have been better and my business would have grown faster.
The solution — talk about it
The solution is to normalize talking about the LDS Church. If you feel comfortable discussing the church, it will be easier to build relationships with its members.
(Note: I also think Mormons need to appreciate the difference between clarifying answers and attempting to convert someone. If a non-Mormon trusts you enough to ask you questions about the church, answer the questions and avoid selling. Otherwise, you might lose this person's trust. No one likes a pushy salesman.)
As with most foreign subjects, talking about something you don’t know with an expert can be intimidating and uncomfortable. In these situations, confidence requires terminology and context.
Terminology includes the words the church uses. Context is the big picture.
With terminology and context, non-Mormons and Mormons can build stronger relationships.
Context — central concepts of the LDS Church
Here are the general concepts you need to understand:
Mormons are Christians. They believe in and follow Jesus Christ.
Family is at the core. The family is the basic unit of the LDS Church. Mormons believe families can continue to exist as families after death.
Prayer is critical. Mormons perform prayers at the beginning and end of Sunday meetings. The church encourages families to pray together at home and individuals to pray in private.
Mormons believe in revelation. Revelation is an essential element of the LDS Church. In this context, revelation refers to the sharing of knowledge through communication with God.
Mormons believe in restoration. In this context, restoration means re-establishment. Mormons believe the original church Jesus Christ established was lost shortly after he ascended to heaven. They view the LDS Church as the re-establishment of Jesus Christ’s original church.
Modesty is encouraged. This spans across dress, grooming, and language.
Terminology — words of the LDS Church
Here are the words and phrases you need to know:
Heavenly Father. This is how Mormons refer to God, who they worship and believe is the supreme being.
Jesus Christ. The son of Heavenly Father, who Mormons believe is the savior of the world. I.e. His sacrifice and resurrection enable humans to overcome death.
Holy Ghost. Often referred to as the Spirit or the Holy Spirit, Mormons view Holy Ghost as a teacher and messenger, without a body, who comforts them. I.e. He is the medium by which Mormons receive revelation and guidance from Heavenly Father.
Godhead. The combination of the three beings Mormons believe preside over the world and God’s creations: 1) Heavenly Father; 2) Jesus Christ; and 3) Holy Ghost.
Heavenly Mother. Heavenly Father’s wife.
Joseph Smith. The “sort-of-founder” of the LDS Church who lived from December 23, 1805 to June 27, 1844. (Note: Technically, Mormons do not view Joseph Smith as a “founder”. Rather, they see him as the restorer of the church Jesus Christ established when he walked the earth.)
The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. A volume of scripture comparable to (and in support of) the Bible. Mormons believe Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon through revelation from Heavenly Father.
Word of Wisdom. This is the common name of a health code Mormons believe includes revelations from Heavenly Father. Compliance with the Word of Wisdom is required for baptism and entry into the church's temples. Violation of the code is not considered grounds for withdrawal of membership. (Note: This is where the no coffee / no alcohol stance originates).
Priesthood. The authority to act in the name of Heavenly Father granted to male Mormons who meet standards of behavior and participation. The priesthood is divided into two parts: the Aaronic Priesthood and the Melchizedek Priesthood.
Aaronic Priesthood. Mormons who hold the Aaronic Priesthood have the authority to administer ordinances of the sacrament and baptism. The offices of the Aaronic Priesthood are deacon, teacher, priest, and bishop. Each office carries specific duties and responsibilities.
Melchizedek Priesthood. Mormons who hold the Melchizedek Priesthood have the authority to lead and administer the spiritual work of the LDS Church. The offices of the Melchizedek Priesthood are elder, high priest, patriarch, Seventy, and Apostle.
Quorum. A group of people ordained with the priesthood and organized to act together as a body. Since priesthood is limited to men, a quorum only includes men.
Apostle. The highest level of priesthood in the church.
Prophet. The current president of the LDS Church. To be president, you must be an apostle.
Congregation. An organized religious community of people who gather to worship.
Exaltation. Eternal life. A belief among Mormons that mankind can return to live in God's presence and continue as families.
Ordinance. A sacred, formal act or ceremony performed by a member with priesthood. Mormons believe some ordinances are required for exaltation (e.g. baptism, confirmation, priesthood, marriage sealing) while others are not (e.g. a baby blessing).
Baptism. An ordinance performed by water immersion at age eight or older. Baptism is required for an individual to become a member of the church; it remits sin.
Confirmation. An ordinance performed by laying hands on the head of a baptized person. Through confirmation, you become an official member of the church and receive the "gift of the Holy Ghost".
Marriage Sealing. A temple ordinance where individuals are married and sealed as husband and wife as an eternal family. Existing children and future children born into the marriage are also sealed into that family and Mormons believe the family will live together forever (i.e. exaltation).
Temple. A building where ordinances are performed. There are more than 150 temples around the world. To enter a temple, you must have a temple recommend.
Temple Recommend. A pass to enter a temple that is valid for two years. To qualify for a temple recommend, a member must answer a series of questions with local church leaders.
Temple Endowment. An ordinance performed at age 18 or older to provide an enhanced understanding of Heavenly Father and personal purpose.
Garments. A type of underwear worn by members who have completed temple endowment. Garments are a symbolic reminder of the agreements the wearer made during temple endowment.
Missionaries. Volunteer representatives of the church who are organized into geographical missions. Most missions are named after the location of the mission headquarters (e.g. a city). The area a mission covers is often larger than the name indicates.
Testimony. Enabled by Holy Ghost, testimony is a spiritual witness of what you believe or know to be true.
General Conference. Held every April and October at the Conference Center in Salt Lake City, Utah. During this conference, members gather to listen to sermons from LDS Church leaders and recommit to the church. (Note: most members tune-in from home via TV).
Calling. These are personal volunteer assignments to help operate the church. The church doesn’t pay leaders of local congregations. Instead, members volunteer via callings to ensure the church functions.
Brother and Sister. These are the titles members use to address each other in certain situations. The title is followed by the person’s last name.
Context — how the LDS Church is organized
Leadership (referred to as “General Authorities”)
The church is led by 15 apostles headquartered in Salt Lake City, Utah.
The most senior apostle is the prophet. Russell M. Nelson is the current prophet.
The prophet selects two other apostles as counselors to form the “First Presidency”. This is the highest governing body. Dallin H. Oaks and Henry B. Eyring are the current counselors.
The remaining 12 other apostles make up the “Quorum of the Twelve”. This is the second-highest governing body. I won’t list the apostles. But, I will call out Dieter F. Uchtdorf. He’s impressive. There’s something special about him.
Leaders called the “Seventies” assist these 12 apostles. There are currently 8 “Quorums of the Seventy”, each of which could have up to 70 members.
Finally, leaders called the “Presiding Bishopric” oversee the church’s nonspiritual affairs. These affairs include buildings, properties, and commercial corporations.
Geographic units (referred to as “Areas”, “Stakes”, and “Wards”)
The church is divided into “Areas”.
Areas are divided into “Stakes”.
Stakes are divided into “Wards” or “Branches”.
A ward is a local congregation. Each ward is led by a “Bishop”, who is fulfilling a calling. Wards meet on Sundays for two hours in various formats. If a congregation is too small to be a ward, it is called a “Branch”. Branches don’t have a bishop; they have a branch “President”.
A stake is a grouping of wards and branches. Stakes are led by Stake Presidents.
An area is a grouping of stakes and missions. Areas are led by Area Presidents.
Supporting organizations
There are 5 supporting organizations within the church.
These include:
Relief Society, which includes women ages 18 and up.
Young Men, which includes young men turning 12 and up to 18.
Young Women, which includes young women ages 12 to 17.
Sunday School, which teaches members ages 12 and older.
Primary, which teaches children ages 18 months to 11 years.
Each supporting organization is led by a president and two counselors, referred to as “General Officers”.
And each organization exists at a ward and stake level.
Conclusion
Non-Mormons: If you want to be included, put the effort in.
Mormons: When you see effort put in, recognize it.
At least, I hope this article helps increase the dialogue between non-Mormons and Mormons.
But I really hope it helps us build stronger relationships for the betterment of Utah.
If I’ve erred on anything, please correct me.
(Note: One more thing — not all Mormons are the same. Yes, there is an overarching, common belief system. But just like any other sampling of people, there are good apples; and bad apples. Try not to make assumptions before you get to know each Mormon individually. The converse is also true.)
Notes:
[1] A special thanks to Gregory Bruce Robinson who spent extra time with me to improve the accuracy of this article.