Notes from Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love by The Knowledge Project
Source: fs.
When I listened to it: November 2019
Why I listened to it: My wife and I recently celebrated our 1-year anniversary. We’re starting to talk about the future of our family. So I’ve been researching relationship best practices this month. I stumbled across this episode in my podcast app.
Go to the episode page for details and to listen.
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My notes
Guest is Sue Johnson:
clinical psychologist
developer of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)
Author of Hold Me Tight and Love Science
Lifecycle stages of a relationship —> each phase represents a transition in a relationship
Attraction
Dating
Marriage
Kids
Empty nest
Retirement
How do we choose a mate?
We’re drawn to what we see as sexually attractive, but there’s more to it...
We bring our histories with us —> how we grew up, how we view / learned relationships
(This is bigger than expectations, it’s like a template for how you want to be treated / what you are looking for in a relationship —> relationship standards.)
Did you have / see secure attachment modeled?
Do you know what a good relationship looks like?
We are seeking out other people to connect with.
Look for what makes you feel safe (is it easy, does it feel good?)
Can you be vulnerable and have that other person tune in and care about your vulnerability
What is a healthy relationship?
Most people have no idea what they’re looking for in terms of a relationship —> the focus is on fun, sex, less lonliness.
People who have had “secure attachment” in childhood are at an advantage.
Secure attachment = being in a relationship that is secure, which means you can feel safe knowing you can fight /disagree and not have it end the relationship.
Relationships = connections with others (humans like connecting —> we are constantly making bids for connection —> smiles, how are yous, etc. — are you open or are you closed for connection?)
Tune in at an emotional level.
Relationships have conflict, period —> in a good relationship, you recognize what’s happened and repair it (This is called “emotional responsiveness”).
Emotional responsiveness is the basis of a healthy relationship
It’s the ability / willingness to tune into another person emotionally and allow yourself to feel what they’re feeling and show them that they matter.
Humans are social bonding mammals —> We pick up cues from each other’s body / face in milliseconds —> We imitate what we pick up from each other.
Good relationship past = you know how to respond (emotionally responsive).
Bad relationship past = you don’t know how to respond (emotionally disconnected).
Emotional disconnection is the basis for a distressed relationship
Emotional disconnection = the trigger for conflict
When we feel emotionally disconnected, we often escalate until we get what we need or give up —> we need to bond which requires the other person to respond
Shutdown happens when you aren’t responding to someone’s fear and there is no other way for the person to deal with it.
Emotional isolation is traumatizing
Jaak Pankesepp is a famous researcher of the brain —> we are bonding mammals
When we feel rejected, we have attachment panic —> this is when you feel so bad in a relationship and you can’t explain it —> and we escalate.
If we don’t get what we need, we eventually shutdown and give up.
We’re meant to be monogamous
Laumann at U. of Chicago wrote Sex in America —> people in long-term, stable relationship, connected, exclusive relationship report have the most frequent, satisfying sex.
This is not just about sex, it’s about attachment.
Attachment tends to be hierarchical —> we can love more than one person, but we typically turn to one person first when we are vulnerable.
Love is simple but it is not easy
You constantly build trust —> “constructive dependency”.
To build trust,
You’re open and accessible
You take risks with each other
You respond to each other taking risks
(Respond does not mean solve problems; it means being emotionally present.)
Emotionally presence = be with the other person in feeling their emotions without offering a solution?
In good relationships, fighting can grow the relationship.
Your sexuality shuts down when you’re sleep deprived.
Handling transition from one life stage to another
Every time you transition from one stage to the other you are at a higher risk for emotional disconnection and thus affairs/divorce —> During these transitions, it’s important to create secure safe bonding scenarios and support each other emotionally.
Why? These are typically high stress times of change. And this stress reveals the cracks in the relationships.
E.g. Mothers who have recently given birth are at a high risk for emotional disconnection with the way we handle it in today’s society —> we isolate Mothers with newborns (this is the opposite of our tribal approach where the community comes together around the Mother).
Secure bonds help you make these transitions.
The role of sex in marriage
Sex = bonding behavior.
It’s important.
But it can be different at different times —> It’s flexible.
It can be:
Release of tension
Erotic play
Bonding activity (healthier relationships tend to view sex this way much of the time)
Orgasm = flood of oxytocin (bonding hormone).
For a healthy relationship, it’s about closeness and connection as well as about the release of tension / pleasurable sensation.
Passion = the longing for connection
Great sex requires great security/safety (this is true freedom; not psuedo freedom brought by novelty).
Emotional distance is biggest threat to not having sex (Erectile dysfunction can caues this, for example).
Want great sex? Maintain strong emotional connection.
Touch is how we sooth each other
PDA = healthy (we don’t touch each other enough as humans today).
Couples who bond touch each other —> we should not shame this.
We are starving for touch (this DOES NOT have to be sexual) —> we all just want to be held.
Handling tough situations
“Lovers scare the hell out of each other”.
Duh —> lovers are the most vulnerable with each other. Therefore they can scare each other more than anyone else.
The most important human motivation is the need for connection with another human being.
Most people don’t have affairs because of sexuality; they have them because they feel rejected / abandoned by their partner.
Relationships can heal from affairs —> but depends on trust and willingness to work on it.
This is referred to as “relationship injury”.
When you let your partner down, their brain holds on to it —> relationship injury
Healing the injury requires conversation.
How to apologize
Most apologies don’t work.
Only one thing works:
I speak my pain in a way that you connect with
You help me understand why my pain didn’t matter at the time —> You have to be able to give me a coherent narrative about what happened to you so I can start to tune into you and you can be predictable so that I can see how this won’t happen again
I need to see that my pain hurts you and that you express care and remorse for hurting me in a way that moves me
This is about forgiveness that leads to reconication —> willingness to RISK and trust again. It’s highly emotional and bonding.
Deception and secrets are bad for relationships
They are toxic.
A-R-E are key variables for a safe bond (Accessibility, Responsiveness, Engagement).
Secrets destroy the A - accessibility —> it causes hiding.
You must work hard to reveal secrets.
Less secrets = higher emotional connection / safety.
What to do in an unhappy relationship
Understand what’s going on.
Learn about relationships.
Face the problems (and get help if you need it).
When getting help, do your research —> most therapists are not well trained in couples therapy.
Most therapists focus on communication skills, but research says this is not helpful.
Find a therapist that makes you feel safe — this is key.
“Fighting fair is rubbish” —> when you are in a fight, communication skills go out the window.
It’s better to focus on bonding / emotional connection.
Once you’ve detached from a relationship, you can’t reattach.
Warning signs you’re getting close to detaching from a relationship
You can’t find your longing.
You’ve stopped being upset or agitated with your partner being emotionally unavailable.
You’ve started to lose that need to emotionally connect with your partner.
You’ve stopped looking to them for support and comfort.
Conversation has become transactional -> it’s all business.
(You’ve been protesting for a long time and you’ve burnt out).
If you catch it before one of you detaches, you can heal it.
We don’t educate people about relationships
We never talk about relationships.
Most of us our lost and don’t know how to navigate them.
Many divorces and bad examples / and we don’t talk about it / teach it.
We don’t know how to handle vulnerability.
We should teach it.
The best way to teach it is to show / model good relationships with others.
The best thing you can do for you kids is to be in a healthy relationship as parents.
Provide them with a safe parental alliance:
It will provide your kids with safety
It will secure your relationship for the time that comes after kids
It will model a good relationship for your kids
This DOES NOT mean avoid conflict (THOUGH huge conflicts are not healthy to have in front of children) —> It DOES mean you have conflict that you resolve and models secure attachment.
There is a logic / science of love and relationships.