Notes and Takeaways from Here’s the Plan
Source: Amazon
When I read it: February 2021
Why I read it: My wife, Sable, and I are expecting our first child in late-March. To help me gain some perspective on (and help with) some of the professional “pregnancy hurdles” she is facing, she asked me to read this book. Boy am I glad I did. This book exposed my lack of empathy for working parents and professionals expecting a child, especially working moms and mothers-to-be. Here are my notes.
Go to the Amazon listing for the book or scroll down for my notes.
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My notes
Disclaimer: This book is written for working women. These notes reflect that audience. “You” usually assumes the reader is a woman. To make these notes more useful, I’ve rearranged them in the form of a 9-step plan. To be clear, this 9-step plan is not referenced in the book. These steps are my simplification of the author’s recommendations on how to prepare for, take, and return from parental leave.
About Allyson Downey
Allyson Downey (@AllysonDowney) is an entrepreneur and writer. In 2013, she launched weeSpring, a Techstars-backed startup that helps new and expecting parents collect advice from their friends about what they need for their baby. She is also the author of Here's the Plan, a pregnancy and parenting guide to your professional life. Allyson has an MBA from Columbia Business School, an MFA from Columbia University's School of the Arts, and a BA from Colby College.
About Here’s the Plan
Here's the Plan offers a roadmap for working mothers (and supportive spouses) to balance parenting and working. The book is for women who want to invest in their professional careers and who consider their jobs to be more than a paycheck. Allyson’s goal in the book is to “help you avoid the landmines by sharing the stories of countless women like you who successfully traversed the minefield”.
Pregnancy and work
We rarely talk about pregnancy and work before a working woman gets pregnant.
Whether you have an “easy” pregnancy or a “hard one”, you’ll be looking at a prolonged absence from your job ⇒ so, planning is crucial.
There’s nothing reliable or predictable about pregnancy ⇒ there’s what “usually” happens, but most pregnancies are unusual in some way.
Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA)
The FMLA was passed in 1993 and guarantees up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave to recover from a serious health condition or to care for a newborn, adopted child, or sick family member.
FMLA covers ~60 percent of the workforce ⇒ It only applies to those who’ve been with a company for 12+ months and small businesses with less than 50 employees are exempt.
The United States (U.S.) has no national policy affording paid parental leave ⇒ But, some states have passed laws to expand and supplement the FMLA ⇒ check for special rules in your state.
28 percent of college-educated women receive zero paid leave (Source ⇒ The economics of paid and unpaid leave.)
Family leave for men
FMLA covers men too ⇒ progressive companies are starting to offer paid paternity leave.
Leave “offered” to men does not usually equal leave “taken” ⇒ a man taking leave is often frowned upon.
Two reasons men should take leave:
To support your spouse
To model co-parenting
There are benefits to men taking leave ⇒ women whose spouses take parental leave have a lower chance of postpartum depression and are more likely to earn more over the course of their career (Source: The effect of own and spousal parental leave on earnings).
Bias against pregnant women, mothers, and parents is real
In general, there are three groups of people who can be especially hard on working mothers:
Men whose wives stay (or stayed) home with their children
Women who’ve been there, done that
Hard-charging young professionals who feel like babies are faraway in their distant future.
There’s also general incompetence and bureaucratic bungling that makes things hard on mothers ⇒ managers don’t know what they can and can’t say, so they say nothing at all to avoid compliance issues.
Pregnancy discrimination and recrimination
There are some protections against discrimination, but it’s hard to prove discrimination (and it’s cost-prohibitive to pursue discrimination cases financially, emotionally, and reputationally)
1964 Civils Rights Act ⇒ Protects against sex discrimination ⇒ employers are required to give men and women the same amount of paid “baby-bonding time”, but they are allowed to offer separate “childbirth-recovery time” exclusively to birth mothers.
1978 Pregnancy Discrimination Act ⇒ an amendment to the Civil Rights Act that prohibits employment discrimination “because of or on the basis of pregnancy, childbirth, or related medical conditions.”
In 2008, Congress amended the Americans with Disabilities Act to include impairments related to pregnancy (e.g. gestational diabetes or preeclampsia) and require that employers make reasonable accommodations for those women ⇒ Pregnancy is not a disability, but pregnancy-related conditions can be.
The EEOC (Equal Employment Opportunity Commission) has extended their language to include Family Responsibilities Discrimination (FRD) ⇒ FRD occurs when employers make assumptions about your ability or willingness to work because you have children
FRD = the broad umbrella under which pregnancy and caregiver discrimination fall.
There is a 180-day federal statute of limitations on discrimination cases ⇒ most states have expanded this to 300 days.
Many women who are discriminated against do not file claims because they fear recrimination.
Recrimination = an accusation in response to one from someone else ⇒ recrimination could affect the victim’s current job security and/or their long term ability to advance a career.
There is a low threshold to file a discrimination lawsuit, but a high bar to win it.
Most discrimination cases are rooted in what’s known as “maternal wall bias” (when colleagues view mothers / pregnant women as less competent and less committed to their jobs) or “pregnancy bias”.
Most discrimination cases are filed under one of the following banners:
Disparate treatment or disparate impact ⇒ an employer treated a pregnant woman or mother differently from a worker who is neither pregnant nor a mother. This claim requires the plaintiff to show tangible harm or “adverse action” (e.g. lower pay rate, reduced responsibilities, missed promotion)
Hostile work environment ⇒ generally requires the treatment to be so pervasive and extreme that it interferes with work performance.
Failure to make accommodations ⇒ when the employer fails to make accommodations for a working mom if she has a physical impairment that limits a major life activity.
Retaliation ⇒ when an employer takes adverse action against you because you complained you were being discriminated against.
If a discrimination claim is won, there are typically two components of the associated “award”:
Restitution ⇒ your employer making you whole for the amount of money you lost as a result of the discrimination you experienced
Compensatory damages ⇒ the emotional distress and out-of-pocket cost or other economic damages resulting from the discrimination you experienced.
(If your employer has fewer than 15 employees, you cannot sue under federal law?)
“Pregnancy” and “mommy” brain
In the early months of pregnancy, your progesterone spikes as high as one hundred times normal levels ⇒ According to Dr. Louann Brizendine in The Female Brain: the “tranquilizing effect of progesterone and also high estrogen help protect against stress hormones during pregnancy.”
“Mommy” brain is real, but it’s not reduced cognition ⇒ it’s reprioritized cognition ⇒ your body is prioritizing the baby ⇒ nothing has changed in your brain that diminishes intelligence.
Brain chemistry is affected by sleep, nutrition, water, and oxygen ⇒ these are the building blocks for your mental health and brain capacity ⇒ all of these things are a disruption for a new mom (e.g. breastfeeding dehydrates, baby’s sleep schedule, etc.)
“Mommy brain” is greatly influenced by sleeping deprivation ⇒ new mothers experience massive sleep “fragmentation” which keeps them from getting enough REM sleep, which is key to the quality of sleep.
To fight mommy brain, fight sleep fragmentation.
Your baby’s biorhythms allow them to establish a reliable sleep schedule ⇒ these biorhythms become more predictable when they’re around 3 months old.
Tips for managing mommy brain and lack of quality sleep:
Take notes and write to-dos down
Record meetings and conversations
Schedule meetings and calls for the times when you’ll be most alert
Have someone check your work
Set calendar alarms and reminders on your phone
Postpartum depression and anxiety
Studies estimate 20% of women experience some level of postpartum depression (PPD) or postpartum anxiety (PPA) ⇒ the author thinks this is much higher due to the lack of women who seek treatment.
Scientists believe there are three components to prenatal and postpartum mental health:
Biological (your physiological response to hormonal changes)
Psychological (what your thought processes look like)
Social (your support networks and community)
If there’s a significant disruption in any one of these areas, a woman is at risk of developing postpartum mental health issues.
Postpartum anxiety can be as crippling as postpartum depression, but it’s sometimes hard to identify and understand (e.g. fear that your baby might die) ⇒ Worrying is normal, but If such thoughts paralyze you, they’re not normal.
PPD and PPA are highly treatable through talk therapy and medication.
Delayed-onset depression ⇒ mothers are at particular risk for the first 12 months after their babies are born (e.g. weaning-related depression ⇒ the hormonal shifts related to weaning can trigger depression).
How to plan, take, and return from parental leave
Here’s a 9-step plan
Step 1 ⇒ Get familiar (and accept) what your time away from work will mean for you
Step 2 ⇒ Figure out how much leave your company will allow you to take
Step 3 ⇒ Figure out how much leave you can afford to take and negotiate it
Step 4 ⇒ Announce your pregnancy and leave
Step 5 ⇒ Prepare for your leave
Step 6 ⇒ Take your leave
Step 7 ⇒ Figure out childcare
Step 8 ⇒ Return to work
Step 9 ⇒ Pay it forward
Step 1 ⇒ Get familiar (and accept) what your time away from work will mean for you
Thinking about leaving work for an extended time creates anxiety for many reasons:
Future work piling up
Stunted career growth
FOMO (fear of missing out)
Imposter syndrome (fear of being exposed as an imposter)
Financial concern (if some or all of your leave is unpaid)
Recognizing this and accepting these very real threats is the first step.
(RKL: It also helps to have a spouse who can empathize with you on these items)
Step 2 ⇒ Figure out how much leave your company will allow you to take
There are two buckets of leave:
Allowable leave ⇒ The total time off (paid leave + unpaid leave) your employer will allow.
Paid leave ⇒ The portion (ranging from 0-100%) of the allowable leave your employer will pay you during.
Different employers have different policies ⇒ Consult your employee handbook and talk to Human Resources (HR); also talk to coworkers who were recently pregnant and who have returned to work.
(Caution: HR’s job is to protect the company; not you ⇒ be careful about oversharing with HR and coworkers who may see you as competition.)
For smaller companies, parental policies might be unwritten ⇒ so, document everything.
These conversations are difficult ⇒ you need info, but you also don’t want to create doubts about returning.
Things to consider:
12 weeks of paid leave is considered generous, but what is considered “normal” varies from industry to industry.
Family Medical Leave Act ⇒ ensures 12 weeks of unpaid leave (keyword = unpaid).
Paid leave comes in all shapes and sizes ⇒ Some people get full salaries, some get a percentage. Some get a few weeks, some get a few months. Some employers pay directly; others offer short-term disability insurance. (Short-term disability policies will cover things like pregnancy bed rest.)
What are your options should you need or want more time?
The difference between 3 months (12 weeks) and 4 months (16 weeks) is huge ⇒ this is when the baby starts to develop predictable biorhythms
Questions to ask HR
What is the maximum amount of time away, including extended unpaid time, that the company allows?
Do I have flexibility in how I use that time? Can I apply some of that time to working part-time once I return or reserve some of my leave for later?
How much of my salary will I receive while on leave?
(If you have stock options) Does my equity continue to vest while I’m on parental leave?
(If you are in a state that affords parental leave) Does my state-sponsored leave occur concurrently with my employer-sponsored leave, or is it sequential?
If you offer incentive-based compensation, how does that work?
Am I still eligible for my full bonus, or is it a pro-rata share?
How will commissions be paid out while I am on leave?
How is my health insurance paid for while I’m on leave?
Do I accrue benefits while out on leave?
What are the terms of my short-term disability coverage? •
What happens if I have medical complications and need to leave early? How much of my salary will I receive?
If I did have to leave early, would that count as part of my maternity leave?
What forms do I need to complete, and when?
When is the FMLA form due?
Is there a form for short-term disability?
When do I need to finalize my departure and return dates?
How do I make changes to my health insurance, like adding my child and adjusting my Flexible Spending Account (FSA) elections?
What is the deadline for doing this?
Do you offer a Dependent Care Flexible Spending Account? How does that work?
How do I add my child as a beneficiary on my retirement account and employer-provided life insurance?
Does the company allow teleworking or flex-time?
Are there mothers’ rooms or other facilities for pumping moms?
Are there any other benefits for new parents that I should be aware of?
Step 3 ⇒ Figure out how much leave you can afford to take and negotiate it
How long you can afford to take off is complex ⇒ it’s not just financial, you also have to consider the emotional cost and professional (career) opportunity cost.
For most mothers, it’s primarily a financial decision.
(Side note ⇒ deciding on the length of your leave before you have the baby doesn’t really make any sense ⇒ you can’t predict how the pregnancy, the childbirth, or your recovery will go.)
Things to consider about your post-baby capacity:
How the baby’s sleep schedule affects your sleep schedule ⇒ newborns need to eat every two hours ⇒ if each feeding takes 30 to 45 minutes and you factor in a diaper change, you might be able to get 1 hour of sleep between each feeding.
Impact of sleep deprivation ⇒ Sleep deprivation affects your appetite, your mood, and your cognition ⇒ you struggle to store new memories and recall words; you also struggle to concentrate and make rational decisions.
Your work flexibility options ⇒ flexible workday start times and the ability to work remotely can help a ton early on.
Childcare “overlap” time ⇒ It helps to build in a transition to childcare.
Child sick days ⇒ if your child is sick, daycare facilities won’t let them come in. This means you might need to take time off or make other childcare arrangements
Healing time vs enjoying-the-baby time => some women regret not factoring in more time to enjoy the baby post-recovery. Typically, 6-8 weeks is considered the recovery time for an uncomplicated birth.
Things to negotiate:
Length of leave
How you’ll be compensated during leave
Where you will work when you return
How much you will work when you return
How you’ll be compensated when you return
Other perks that will make your life easier (e.g. covered childcare costs, etc.)
Tips:
Put yourself in the employer’s shoes ⇒ think about what their objections will be.
Frame everything in terms of why it’s good for the company ⇒ find the win-wins.
Do not make apologies ⇒ be direct, be assertive.
If your company doesn’t have a maternity leave policy ⇒ use this as an opportunity to craft one.
Step 4 ⇒ Announce your pregnancy and leave
Decide who to tell first ⇒ HR or your manager (most tell their manager first).
Decide when to tell ⇒ most women wait until they’re into their second trimester
Decide how to tell ⇒ what do you want to keep private (do you want to treat this as a big deal or no big deal?)
Things to consider:
Address your manager’s internal monologue ⇒ when you tell your boss, he or she will naturally start thinking about what this means for him or her (e.g. “How long will she be gone? How will we cover for her? Will she really come back?”). Address these questions in your announcement.
Be aware of the unconscious bias ⇒ and try to mitigate it by addressing and disproving the stereotypes.
Limit “benevolent discrimination” ⇒ this is from people who don’t want to put extra stuff on your plate while you’re pregnant, which can limit your opportunities. To address this, speak up early and often about what assignments you really want.
Ignorance can lead to inaction ⇒ because many managers and business leaders don’t understand the nuances of FMLA and discrimination, they often avoid talking about it all in an effort to limit liability. This often means you have to be proactive about starting and leading the conversation
A plan for informing your coworkers ⇒ you’ll want to make sure to address their concerns about having to “cover” for you.
Step 5 ⇒ Prepare for your leave
Develop a coverage plan for your absence ⇒ this is basically your job responsibilities (i.e. a job description on steroids)
Questions to answer in your coverage plan:
Will you have some kind of meeting in which you run through the basics?
Are you going to have one-on-one conversations with everyone?
Would an email outlining everything be enough?
What will your out-of-office response say?
Do you want to be copied on all email correspondence while you’re gone?
What decisions are you comfortable delegating, and when do you want to be consulted?
It’s important to put everything in writing ⇒ who to consult for what, how do XYZ, what needs to happen when, etc.
When you start planning, you will identify some things that need a new owner, but also some things that don’t need to get done at all.
There are two ends of the spectrum for handling your availability during your leave:
Full blackout ⇒ you’re completely unavailable
100 percent online ⇒ you’re completely plugged into what’s going on
Most women fall somewhere in between ⇒ the key is to set and manage expectations based on your preferences.
(Tip: If you’re working during your unpaid leave, keep track of your hours and get compensated for this work.)
There are many reasons to invest in a comprehensive coverage plan:
It illustrates and documents your job and value
It makes it easy for your colleagues to carry on without you
It provides a job framework for you to transition back into when you return from leave
List all of the projects you’re currently working on, specific action items, designate an owner for each.
Be direct and ask who will fill your role during your leave ⇒ You want to develop trust that 1) your job will get done while you’re gone, and 2) your job will be available to you when you return.
The five common types of coverage plans:
The boss steps down and covers
A report steps up and covers
A peer steps laterally and covers
An outsider steps in and covers
The team shares the load and covers
The best plan is an early plan ⇒ 20% of American women are advised by their doctors to reduce their activity during pregnancy (you might have to take an early leave).
If you have to take an early leave:
Get a doctor’s note detailing what you can and cannot do
Know your remote work options
Have a direct conversation with your manager about what this means for your coverage plan
(Tip: Run a maternity drill ⇒ go part-time while you’re still pregnant and before you take full leave to see how your team handles it.)
Step 6 ⇒ Take your leave
Maternity leave is hard ⇒ there’s a lot of time alone in your head ⇒ especially if your identity is tied to your job ⇒ it will force you to re-examine who you really are / what to be.
Being a new mom often lacks positive reinforcement ⇒ a good day is one without negative reinforcement (e.g. a crying baby) ⇒ so, you may start to crave “feeling good at something”.
After a few weeks, taking care of the baby starts to feel manageable ⇒ your confidence builds in things like changing diapers, breastfeeding, etc.
But by the time you’re able to focus on yourself and self-care, it’s often already time to go back to work ⇒ resentment and/or sadness can start to build when you have to choose between work and being with your baby.
Try to create a structure for yourself where you can ⇒ create a schedule for yourself, but be less concerned about the baby’s schedule.
Engaging with a new moms group can be difficult for working mothers ⇒ many of the moms plan to stay at home and it can be hard to relate ⇒ Try to find moms who have a similar (professional) situation to you via:
Meetups
Baby yoga
Local parenting forums/groups
“Perceived insufficient milk” = women fearing they aren’t producing adequate milk to nourish their baby.
Other people can help ease the burden of new motherhood:
Spouses ⇒ divide the household/baby chores more equally.
Cleaners/maids/chefs ⇒ these groups can help offload some of your chores like cooking and cleaning.
Experienced doulas/baby nurses/friends/family ⇒ these groups can provide guidance on specifics like bathing a baby and sleep training.
Tips on how to divide and conquer with your spouse:
Be deliberate and clear about dividing responsibilities ⇒ make a list and divide it 50/50. Here are a few lists to help you get started: Domestic, Baby-related, Child-related.
Alternate who’s “on” in the evenings ⇒ schedule who will be the 6 o’clock parent each day so the other spouse can prioritize some personal things.
Split up mornings and evenings ⇒ have one spouse take morning duty and the other spouse take evening duty.
Offload everything but feeding the baby to your significant other ⇒ have one spouse always feed and the other spouse always “do-do” (RKL: dad joke, yesss. *fist pump*) the diapers.
Divide up hiring and managing childcare ⇒ have one spouse manage primary childcare and the other person manage backup childcare.
Divide decision-making and execution responsibilities with your spouse ⇒ one person does the “thinking” and makes a decision. The other executes the decision. E.g. One person plans the meals for a week and the other goes to the grocery stores and cooks them.)
A few things you can do during maternity leave to feel productive:
Build a bench of childcare providers
Build up bottled milk storage
Get your legal and financial docs in a row (e.g. will, life insurance, 529 accounts, etc.)
Practice getting out of the house (e.g. walks, grocery store runs, etc.)
Word of caution: checking email doesn’t mean answering email ⇒ be careful about engaging work email while you are on leave ⇒ if people think you’re available and open to requests, the requests will come ⇒ fight the office FOMO.
Step 7 ⇒ Figure out childcare
Having reliable, responsible childcare is the foundation of your professional success.
Unreliable childcare = being late for work or having to leave work regularly.
Irresponsible childcare = you worrying about your baby and distraction at work.
The most stable and perfect childcare arrangement can shift in an instant ⇒ this can throw you or your spouse’s professional life off in an instant ⇒ you need a deep childcare bench.
For many families, childcare is the second biggest expense after their mortgage payment ⇒ A dependent care flexible spending account (FSA) can help offset the costs by saving you money in taxes.
Separate the decision of childcare into two these two questions:
Do I want to work?
Is it worth paying for childcare? (If you want to work, it’s worth paying for childcare)
Build in transition time for dry runs to daycare or training a nanny.
(Hack: Stack your maternity and paternity leaves to reduce your need for childcare early on ⇒ I.e. wife takes leave first, and then the husband takes his leave when the wife returns to work)
5 core childcare options for working mothers:
Daycare ⇒ This might be a stand-alone center, a Montessori program, a workplace facility, or an at-home daycare facility (led by a stay-at-home parent who is caring for other children at the same time as his or her own.)
Nanny care ⇒ This might be a dedicated nanny or a nanny share.
Au Pair ⇒ An au pair lives with you and is treated as a member of your family (an au pair comes to the U.S. for one year on a J-1 visa under a program managed by the U.S. Department of State).
Family care ⇒ childcare provided by a grandparent or other family member.
Stay-at-home-dad ⇒ the dad stays home and provides the care.
Daycare
Pros of daycare:
There are other children to play which helps with socialization.
You’re not required to play the role of an employer (like you do with a Nanny).
It’s highly regulated so there are a lot of checks and balances and oversight.
There’s a staff with built-in extra coverage.
You don’t have to open your home to strangers (like you do with a Nanny).
Cons of daycare:
Children get sick frequently in daycare.
You can’t bring your child to daycare when they are sick.
Daycare can be difficult to manage if you often travel for work or work late hours.
There’s less one-on-one attention (which might be a pro, depending on your beliefs).
How to pick a daycare:
Find trusted recommendations ⇒ Reach out to newish parents you know / post to social media
Search for locations/options near home or work
Costs of daycare = $350 to $1,500 per month, year-round
Nanny care
Pros of nanny care:
One-on-one care
Flexibility
No daycare commute
Nannies can help with household task and errands
They can be more economical if you have more than one child or use a “nanny share” (with a nanny share, you and another family share the cost of a nanny and the nanny takes care of your children together)
Cons of nanny care:
It’s an adjustment to have a paid household employee
Nannies require management (e.g. contract, payroll, job descriptions, communication, etc.)
There’s no extra coverage (like there is with daycare) ⇒ if your nanny gets sick (or quits), you’re on your own
How to pick a nanny:
Use online resources to generate candidates (e.g. Care.com, Sittercity, UrbanSitter, local services, forums, and online groups)
Make sure your friends know you’re looking
Write an amazing job description (treat it like you would a job for your work)
Design an interview process to help you qualify and disqualify candidates
Use a placement service to save time (i.e. recruiters for nannies that charge you 10-20% of the nanny’s first-year compensation)
Costs of nanny care = $15 to $19 an hour for one child up to $25 per hour for 3 children with paid vacation and annual bonus expectations, nanny taxes depending on your state, annual raises, etc.
Au pair care
Pros of au pair care:
Full-time childcare at a lower cost than a nanny
The au pair agencies handle most of the sourcing and screening and help you through the process
Cons of au pair care:
Someone else is living in your house 24/7
There are strict rules you have to follow
They are younger and often less experienced than nannies
They are placed for 1-2 years maximum, so you have to switch au pairs every few years.
Cost of an au pair = roughly $18,500 per year all-in (stipend + placement fee + room and board)
Family care
Family care is attractive because it’s “free” financially ⇒ but, it often comes at a high emotional/relationship cost ⇒ so, family care is best used as a supplement to the other forms of childcare.
Stay-at-home dads
This basically transfers the problem to your spouse, which could work if he does not mind sacrificing a career.
This comes with loneliness and isolation that is often even more pronounced than stay-at-home-moms ⇒ because it is looked down upon by other mothers and fathers (even the working mom is looked down upon for leaving the kid at home with dad)
Step 8 ⇒ Return to work
In the last 2-4 weeks of your maternity leave, you’ll want to start reconnecting with your work:
Check in with HR and your boss to lock down logistics
Schedule a meeting to confirm your exact return date and reentry plan
Make it clear what work you’re most interested in re-engaging
When you get back to the office:
Say thank you ⇒ thank people who covered for you and return the favor if the opportunity arises
Ask for what you want ⇒ Proactively communicate what types of projects you want to be on now that you’re back
Set and manage expectations ⇒ Figure out how to set boundaries without suggesting you aren’t committed to the job.
Keep your professional life from bleeding into your personal life ⇒ Plan around your baby’s natural biorhythms. 7:00 pm is when babies get their surge of melatonin (if they’re awake past that surge they’ll get fussy because their bodies have released adrenaline to help them cope with being overtired ⇒ be careful not to misinterpret the fussiness). Load up on “baby time” in the morning to avoid wanting to keep your baby awake in order to spend time with him or her or leave your office at 5:00 pm so you can have an hour or two to be with your baby before bedtime.
Keep your personal life from bleeding into your professional life ⇒ be intentional about what you’re saying; avoid the stigma of being perceived as overwhelmed, juggling too much, or prioritizing your home life at the expense of work.
Figure out how to grapple with guilt ⇒ Separation anxiety is real. Be ready for it. Working moms often feel like they’re neglecting their child when they’re at work and vice versa ⇒ be prepared for the insensitive comments from stay-at-home moms (“I just can’t imagine who would be watching my baby if I wasn’t”) ⇒ don’t engage the insensitive mommies.
When you’re feeling overwhelmed:
Scale back on the things that aren’t true priorities (your health, your baby, your marriage, your job)
Explore how you might get more flexibility from work
Beware of going part-time, which often equals similar responsibilities for less pay.
Remember “enclothed cognition” ⇒ the idea that what you wear impacts how you think ⇒ dressing well and showering can make a big difference in how you feel (and how others perceive you) ⇒ here are some tips:
Establish a uniform that’s machine-washable and interchangeable, and then mix it up with accessories
Use photos to remember what looks good together
Wear dresses that are forgiving and easy to wash
Invest in some nursing tops or dresses if you’ll be pumping at work
Keep a bouncy seat in your bathroom so you can make time to blow-dry your hair
Ask your hairstylist to show you a quick-and-easy updo
Stock your office with backup shoes, clothing, etc.
Buy a salon cape and wear it once you're dressed for the day until you walk out of the house
Install a full-length mirror near the exit so you can quickly inspect yourself before leaving
Be prepared for the unexpected (so it doesn’t throw off your day) ⇒ have backups in place for the following situations to minimize their impact on your workday:
A sick baby who can’t go to daycare
A sick nanny who can’t come to work
A babysitter with a broken-down car
A daycare snow day
When there’s a true emergency, use this template: “I’ve had an unavoidable conflict come up. I’m sorry for the short notice. May we reschedule for _____?”
You have to make sure you’re working on the right things ⇒ this requires prioritization and saying “no” more (which can be hard at first).
For a working mom, time is precious ⇒ you want to maximize your time working and parenting ⇒ so, sharing chores with your spouse or outsourcing them is a great idea.
Make time for yourself => carve out time and plan ahead for this. “A babysitter is cheaper than a divorce”
Live close to where you work ⇒ Time you spend commuting is time doing neither of the things you care about: parenting and working)
Breastfeeding and pumping
Breastfeeding is basically a full-time occupation ⇒ you’re feeding your baby eight to ten times a day, for thirty minutes each time. Breast pumping allows you to build a supply of breastmilk so your baby can drink your breastmilk while you’re at work.
In most cases, pumping while at work is what allows you to continue breastfeeding when you’re with your baby ⇒ you need to do it to maintain your supply and to avoid exploding.
Stress and anxiety make it more difficult to pump ⇒ your stress hormone (cortisol) can interfere with the love hormone (oxytocin) which triggers the “letdown” process for breastmilk ⇒ you’re not alone if you’re struggling to produce milk when pumping at work
If you can’t produce breastmilk, baby formula is an option ⇒ the jury is out on which is better, but ultimately a happy mom is the best sustenance for a baby. (The formula vs breastmilk decision is a personal one.)
Your employer is required to provide a private space where you can pump that is not a bathroom.
A good pump room has:
A door that locks
No glass walls
A convenient electrical outlet
A comfortable chair
Easy access to a sink, microwave, and refrigerator
A scheduling system - if the room will be used by others
Decent wifi reception
A company-provided hospital-grade pump (that you bring your own parts to use)
A mirror, so you can check your appearance before leaving
A basket or box of disposable nursing pads
A wet-wipes dispenser for any spills
Cubbies or drawers where women can leave their pumps or other equipment
A water cooler
Healthy snacks
(Anything else you need, you should ask for)
Tips on pumping at work:
Double up on pump parts
Consider doubling up on pumps
Put your parts in the fridge to avoid having to wash them often
Pick up some microwavable steam bags for cleaning your parts
Buy a hands-free pumping bra
Wear a nursing cover while you pump, in case you’re walked in on
Be prepared for spills and leaks
Block out your calendar for pumping time in advance
Choose pump-friendly clothing
Considering pumping during your commute (if your commute is a long one)
Plan ahead for client meetings or anything else that will mess up your normal pumping routine
(For more tips on breast pumping, see Work. Pump. Repeat.)
Step 9 ⇒ Pay it forward
A few ways you can improve workplace culture for other mothers and parents:
Ask for what you want during leave and when you return and explain why it’s good for the business
Vote with your feet and give feedback when you do
Join an advocacy organization (e.g. MomsRising.org or ABetterBalance.org)
Reach out to your government representatives
If you’re an employer, here are some ways you can improve:
Call it family leave, not maternity leave ⇒ Avoid terms like “primary”, “secondary”, and “non-primary” caregiver ⇒ assume parenting responsibilities are equally divided.
Encourage moms and dads to use family leave
Emphasize inclusiveness as a company value
When you’re talking about flexibility, make it clear that it applies to everyone (not just execs.)
Make your employee handbook clear and consistent with your policies
Make your parental leave policies public and be proactive about explaining them to prospective and current employees
Offer 12 to 16 weeks of paid leave
Allow flexibility in how they use their leave
Build flexibility into workers’ return from leave
Help with childcare and new baby expenses (e.g. a stipend or baby cash)
Getting a new job while pregnant or with a new baby
If your current job is not conducive to having children (e.g. it requires lots of travel), you may need to switch jobs.
When looking at jobs to apply for, do research on whether they are “family-friendly” ⇒ Glassdoor and Fairygodboss are two resources for this.
If interviewing when pregnant, you need to decide when to disclose the pregnancy:
Disclose upfront, in the first interview ⇒ this is a gamble, but it can be appropriate for smaller companies with fewer resources to backfill you while you’re on leave.
Disclose once you’ve built rapport with the hiring manager ⇒ still a gamble as it may bring in unconscious bias
Disclose after you get an offer ⇒ this helps mitigate unconscious bias in the interview process.
Disclose once you’ve started your job ⇒ this is usually not a good idea, but can be necessary depending on the circumstances (e.g. if you’re only in your first trimester during the interview process)