Notes and Takeaways from How to Get the Help You Need
When I read it: October 2022
Why I read it: I need to get better at asking for help. I also need to improve how I ask for help. And this was a helpful essay on both fronts.
Review this link for the essay or scroll down for my notes.
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My notes
About Heidi Grant
Dr. Heidi Grant is a social psychologist who researches, writes, and speaks about the science of leadership and motivation. She is the author of Reinforcements: How to Get People To Help You and Nine Things Successful People Do Differently.
Asking for help is uncomfortable and scary.
When you ask for help, you create uncertainty. You risk potential rejection and diminished status.
But, you need to ask for help. Without assistance from other people, it’s difficult to advance your goals.
Most people are willing to help if you as them in the right way.
Saying no to helping others is painful. Saying yes to helping others is pleasurable.
Impose upon people without making them feel imposed upon.
If you ask for help the wrong way, it decreases the likeliness of people wanting to help you.
The key to a successful request for help is to make people feel like they are helping because they want to; not because they have to. They should feel in control of the decision to help. Don’t try to force them to help or guilt them into helping.
Helpers need four things.
First, helpers must understand that you need help. You must make people aware of your need.
Second, helpers must believe that you want help. You must make it clear that you welcome help from others.
Third, the helper must feel a responsibility to help you. You must make it clear you are asking them for help.
Fourth, the helper must see how they can help you. You must make it clear what you are asking them to help with.
Don’t do these things when asking for help.
Don’t ask for permission to ask for help. Phrases like “May I ask you for a favor” make people feel trapped.
Don’t apologize for asking for help. Phrases like “I’m sorry to ask this of you” make the experience feel negative.
Don’t emphasize reciprocity when asking for help. Phrases like “I’ll help you if you help me” make people feel indebted.
Don’t minimize your need for help. Phrases like “It’s just a tiny thing” make the potential assistance seem trivial and less meaningful.
Do these things when asking for help.
Do assure the potential helper that you are on the same team and that the team is important. For example, saying the word “together” can have an effect. You might also cite a shared goal, enemy, or trait. The best way is to highlight shared experiences, perceptions, thoughts, and feelings.
Do recognize people’s unique ability to help you and how virtuous they are with their help. Calling out on people’s unique skills, generosity, and selflessness can make them more likely to help you.
Do be clear about what you need and about what impact the help will have. Many psychologists believe that feeling effective is the fundamental human motivation. For example, when asking a colleague to review a client proposal, say, “Would you please review this before I send it to XYZ? Your input really helped my previous pitch to ABC succeed.”