Notes and Takeaways from How to Win Friends and Influence People
Source: Amazon
When I read it: August 2020
Why I read it: Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, has been recommended to me more times than I can count. It’s been on my reading list for years. I think I may have bought this book on three or four separate occasions. Who knows where those other copies are? I’m so glad I finally sat down and read this book. As you will see from my notes, it is packed with information and anecdotes. This book walks through four unique sets of principles you should follow when dealing with people in different situations. I also put together a summary checklist.
Go to the amazon listing for details and to read or scroll down for my notes.
Want to get my future notes when I publish them? Subscribe to my weekly newsletter below.
My notes
About Dale Carnegie
Dale Carnegie, who lived from 1888 to 1955, was an American writer and lecturer, and the developer of courses in self-improvement, salesmanship, corporate training, public speaking, and interpersonal skills. He is the author of 10+ books. He developed a system of training that is unique—a combination of public speaking, salesmanship, human relations, and applied psychology.
About How to Win Friends and Influence People
It grew into a book from the experience Carengie had leading his courses over 15 years. It was first published in 1937 with only 5,000 copies to be used as a textbook for his courses in Effective Speaking and Human Relations. He then continually improved until his death.
Over 30 million copies have been sold worldwide ⇒ it’s one of the best-selling books of all time.
Dealing with people is probably the biggest problem you face
According to studies, 15 percent of one’s financial success is due to one’s technical knowledge and about 85 percent is due to personality and the ability to lead people ⇒ The highest-paid personnel in engineering are frequently not those who know the most about engineering ⇒ the person who has technical knowledge plus the ability to express ideas, to assume leadership, and to arouse enthusiasm among people is headed for higher earning power.
What do adults really want to study?
The University of Chicago, the American Association for Adult Education, and the United YMCA Schools conducted a survey to determine what adults want to study ⇒ It revealed “health” is the prime interest of adults—and that their second interest is “people” and human relationships (i.e. how to understand and get along with people; how to make people like you; and how to win others to your way of thinking).
Importance of speaking
The ability to speak is a shortcut to distinction ⇒ It puts a person in the limelight, raises one head and shoulders above the crowd ⇒ And the person who can speak acceptably is usually given credit for an ability out of all proportion to what he or she really possesses.
Dale Carnegie claimed that “all people can talk when they get mad” ⇒ when angered, we talk with eloquence, heat, and emphasis that would rival any orator.
To get good at speaking, you only need self-confidence and an idea that is “boiling and stewing within” you. ⇒ To gain self-confidence, you must do the thing you fear to do and get a record of successful experience behind you.
Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
There are three fundamental principles for handling people:
Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Arouse in the other an eager want.
1. Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
“If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive.”
All people are just as human as you ⇒ they rationalize and explain their behavior.
Criticism is futile ⇒ it puts the other person on the defensive and usually makes them try to justify themselves.
Criticism is dangerous ⇒ it wounds the other’s person’s pride, hurts their sense of importance, and creates resentment.
B. F. Skinner (psychologist) proved that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn more rapidly and retain what it learns more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior (rewards > punishments).
Criticism might lead to short term change, but it creates resentment ⇒ this resentment can demoralize employees, family members and friends ⇒ it also often doesn’t create long term change.
When you criticize someone, it will often cause that person to:
Become emotional
Justify their behavior
Condemn you
Perform worse
(And possibly) Leave you
When dealing with humans, we are not dealing with creatures of logic ⇒ we are dealing with creatures of emotion who are full of bias and motivated by ego.
It takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
This also applies to parenting ⇒ Read “Father Forgets”.
Instead of condemning people, try to understand them ⇒ why do they do what they do? ⇒ this leads to sympathy, tolerance, and kindness.
God does not judge people until death ⇒ why should you?
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
There is only one way to get anyone to do anything ⇒ and that is to make them want to do it.
The only way we can make people want to do something is to give them what they want ⇒ so, what do they want?
According to Sigmund Freud, everything humans do springs from two motives: 1) the sex urge and 2) the desire to be great.
According to John Dewey, the deepest urge in human nature is the desire to be important.
Some of the things most people want include:
Health and the preservation of life
Food
Sleep
Money and the things money will buy
Life in the hereafter
Sexual gratification
The well-being of our children
A feeling of importance
1 through 7 above are usually satisfied, but 8 rarely is. (Note: A good entrepreneur will probably solve for one or more of the above with his or her business.)
The desire for a feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishing differences between mankind and the animals ⇒ it makes you want to wear the latest styles, drive the latest cars, and talk about your brilliant children.
How you get your importance determines your character ⇒ it’s the most significant thing about what you are.
Charles Schwab said:
“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise. In my wide association in life, meeting with many and great people in various parts of the world, I have yet to find the person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.”
Appreciation is the best way to give someone a feeling of importance.
Take our spouses as an example ⇒ A study on runaway wives found the number one reason was “lack of appreciation”.
Showing sincere appreciation can change someone’s life. (Note: The key word = sincere. Flattery does not work because it’s selfish, cheap praise. Flattery is telling the other person what he thinks of himself.)
When we aren’t engaged thinking about something else, we spend most of the time thinking about ourselves ⇒ instead, try focusing on others and finding ways to appreciate them.
When you sincerely appreciate someone, they remember it (and repeat it to others) for a lifetime.
3. Arouse in the other an eager want.
When you fish, it’s most effective to think about what the fish wants instead of what you want (e.g. a worm) ⇒ apply this to people ⇒ bait the hook to suit the fish.
You are interested in what you want, but no one else is ⇒ they are interested in what they want.
When we act, it’s because we want something.
Harray A. Overstreet wrote the following in Influencing Human Behavior:
“Action springs out of what we fundamentally desire… and the best piece of advice which can be given to would-be persuaders, whether in business, in the home, in the school, in politics, is: First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.”
When you want to persuade someone, ask yourself: “How can I make this person want to do it?”
Who cares about what your company wants (e.g. LegUp Health)? Your customers are worried about their own problems. They are interested in their wants.
If companies can show how their services will help someone solve their problems, they don’t need to sell. That someone will buy. (E.g. Less Annoying CRM does this well)
Customrs like to feel like they are buying — not being sold.
Increase your tendency to think in terms of other people’s point of view, and see things from their angle.
For this to work, it has to be mutually beneficial ⇒ you need to tie what you want to what the other person wants.
When you have a brilliant idea, instead of making others think it is yours, let them make it theirs.
Six Ways to Make People Like You
There are six principles to follow that will make people like you:
Become genuinely interested in other people.
Smile.
Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.
1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
People are not interested in you. They are interested in themselves. (E.g. when you see a group photo that you’re in, who do you look at first?)
Trying to impress people and get people interested in you does not lead to real, sincere friendships.
Alfred Adler (psychologist) wrote the following in What Life Should Mean to You:
“It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.” (Note: This is the challenge with Trump)
This applies to writing ⇒ If you don’t like people, people won’t like your stories ⇒ you need to be interested in people if you want to be a successful writer of stories.
Love your audience ⇒ in a humble and friendly way, become generally interested in learning the background and interests of the people you meet.
The most important quality of a salesman is to be generally interested in other people.
Genuine interest works on everyone, even the most sought-after people (we all like people who admire us).
To make friends:
Do things for other people that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness. (e.g. Handwritten birthday notes trump Facebook auto messages)
Great people with animation and enthusiasm. (e.g. say “hello” and do so in a tone that shows how happy you are to see them)
Be genuinely interested in people, their problems, and their aspirations. (i.e. learn about their past successes, understand their current challenges, know their future aspirations)
2. Smile.
The expression on our face > the clothes we wear ⇒ a smile says, “I like you. You make me happy. I’m glad to see you.”
An insincere grin won’t fool anybody.
Smiles come through in voice ⇒ It’s effective even when it’s not seen.
People rarely succeed at anything unless they enjoy doing it ⇒ if you want people to have a good time meeting you, you need to have a good time meeting them.
If you don’t like smiling, then:
Force yourself to smile when you’re with others
Force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing when you’re alone
One sure way of finding happiness = control your thoughts ⇒ Happiness depends on inner conditions ⇒ it isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about ⇒ (Note: “The difference between a good day and a bad day is your attitude.”)
Elbert Hubbard wrote:
“Whenever you go out-of-doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost; drink in the sunshine; greet your friends with a smile, and put soul into every handclasp. Do not fear being misunderstood and do not waste a minute thinking about your enemies. Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would like to do; and then, without veering off direction, you will move straight to the goal. Keep your mind on the great and splendid things you would like to do, and then, as the days go gliding away, you will find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the opportunities that are required for the fulfillment of your desire, just as the coral insect takes from the running tide the element it needs. Picture in your mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the thought you hold is hourly transforming you into that particular individual. … Thought is supreme. Preserve a right mental attitude—the attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer. To think rightly is to create. All things come through desire and every sincere prayer is answered. We become like that on which our hearts are fixed. Carry your chin in and the crown of your head high. We are gods in the chrysalis.”
Here’s a beautiful piece called The Value of a Smile at Christmas:
“It costs nothing, but creates much.
It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give.
It happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.
None are so rich they can get along without it, and none so poor but are richer for its benefits.
It creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in a business, and is the countersign of friends.
It is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and Nature’s best antidote for trouble.
Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody till it is given away.
And if in the last-minute rush of Christmas buying some of our salespeople should be too tired to give you a smile, may we ask you to leave one of yours?
For nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give!”
3. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
The average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together.
When you remember someone’s name, you are paying them a compliment ⇒ When you forget someone’s name or misspell it, you’ve insulated them.
Most people don’t remember names because they don’t take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat and fix names in their mind.
Build a system to remember people’s names ⇒ When meeting someone, if you don’t hear their name distinctly, say sorry, and ask for the name again. If it’s hard to remember, ask how it is spelled. During your conversation, repeat the name several times and try to associate it in your mind with the person’s features, expressions and general appearance. Write the name down, look at it, and concentrate on it. (This takes time and effort.)
A person’s name is magic ⇒ it is owned by the person and nobody else ⇒ it sets the person apart and makes them uniquely important.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
All most people want is an interested listener, so they can expand their ego ⇒ if you give someone this, they will think you are an interesting conversationalist. (Note: Keyword = “interested”).
Interested listening (i.e. listening because you are genuinely interested) is one of the highest compliments you can pay anyone.
The most violent critic will often be softened when met with patient, sympathetic listening ⇒ often, all critics want is feeling of importance.
Many people fail to make a favorable impression because they don’t listen attentively.
Reader’s Digest once said: “Many persons call a doctor when all they want is an audience.”
What do we all want when we are in trouble? ⇒ A friendly sympathetic listener to whom we can unburden ourselves.
Great listening requires:
Concentrated attention
A friendly gaze
A kind voice
Few gestures and interruptions
Appreciation for what is said
To be a greater conversationalist, ask questions that the other person will enjoy answering ⇒ encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments ⇒ they are more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.
5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
“To be interesting, be interested.” ⇒ talk about the things the other person treasures most.
Find out what other people are interested in and enthusiastic about. (E.g. Roosevelt would read up on the subjects his guests were most interested in.)
William Lyon Phels wrote the following in his essay Human Nature:
“When I was eight years old and was spending a weekend visiting my Aunt Libby Linsley at her home in Stratford on the Housatonic, a middle-aged man called one evening, and after a polite skirmish with my aunt, he devoted his attention to me. At that time, I happened to be excited about boats, and the visitor discussed the subject in a way that seemed to me particularly interesting. After he left, I spoke of him with enthusiasm. What a man! My aunt informed me he was a New York lawyer, that he cared nothing whatever about boats—that he took not the slightest interest in the subject. ‘But why then did he talk all the time about boats?’ “‘Because he is a gentleman. He saw you were interested in boats, and he talked about the things he knew would interest and please you. He made himself agreeable.’ I never forgot my aunt’s remark”
6. Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.
Almost everyone considers themselves very important.
When you meet someone, ask yourself: “what is there about this person that I can honestly admire?”
Always make the other person feel important.
“Do unto others as you have others do unto you.” ⇒ What do you want? You want:
Approval of those whom you come in contact
Recognition of your true worth
A feeling that you are important in your little world
Sincere appreciation
Use phrases like:
I’m sorry to trouble you, ...
Would you be so kind as to …
Would you mind?
Thank you
Want to change someone’s life? Make them feel important.
Most people think they are superior to you in some way ⇒ recognize this genuinely.
Identify what people are proud of and recognize it genuinely.
How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
There are 12 fundamental principles that will help you win people to your way of thinking
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Show respect for the other person’s opinion. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Begin in a friendly way.
Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
Appeal to the nobler motives.
Dramatize your ideas.
Throw down a challenge.
1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Avoid arguments like the plague.
You can’t win an argument ⇒ if you win, you lose and if you lose, you lose ⇒ “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”
Frank Gammond once told Dale:
“Why prove to a man he is wrong? Is that going to make him like you? Why not let him save his face? He didn’t ask for your opinion. He didn’t want it. Why argue with him? Always avoid the acute angle.”
9 times out of 10 an argument ends with each party more convinced he or she was right.
If you argue, you may win sometimes, but it will be an empty victory because you won’t often get your opponent’s good will ⇒ What would you rather have an argument or someone’s good will? You generally can’t have both.
A misunderstanding is almost never ended by an argument ⇒ it is ended by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint.
Here are a few ways to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument from a third party article that was referenced in the book:
Welcome the disagreement. This is an opportunity.
Distrust your first instinctive impression. You will probably react defensively, not rationally.
Control your temper. You can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.
Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of misunderstanding.
Look for areas of agreement. Dwell on the points and areas you agree on.
Be honest. Look for areas where you can admit mistakes, do so, and apologize.
Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. Your opponents may be right.
Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are.
Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. In preparation for this meeting, ask some hard questions:
Could my opponents be right? Partly right?
Is there truth or merit in their position or argument?
Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem or will it just relieve any frustration?
Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me?
Will my reaction elevate the estimation good people have of me?
Will I win or lose?
What price will I have to pay if I win?
If I am quiet about it, will the disagreement blow over?
Is this difficult situation an opportunity for me?
2. Show respect for the other person’s opinion. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
When you are right, try to win people gently and tactfully to your way of thinking.
Don’t tell people they're wrong ⇒ they will not agree with you ⇒ and you will hurt their feelings. (Note: You can tell people they are wrong with words and without words via a look, tone, or gesture)
Telling someone they are wrong is a direct challenge to their person and creates immediate opposition.
If you want to correct something wrong, don’t let people know it ⇒ do it so that no one will notice that you are doing. Say: “Well, now, look. I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts.”
Phrases like this are magic: “I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts” ⇒ you will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong ⇒ it ends all arguments and makes your opponent want to reciprocate.
Few people are logical ⇒ most of us are biased ⇒ we are blighted with preconceived notions, jealousy, suspicion, fear, envy and pride ⇒ most of us don’t want to change our minds.
Few people like to hear truths about their poor judgement.
Harvey Robinson wrote the following in his book The Mind in the Making:
“We sometimes find ourselves changing our minds without any resistance or heavy emotion, but if we are told we are wrong, we resent the imputation and harden our hearts. We are incredibly heedless in the formation of our beliefs, but find ourselves filled with an illicit passion for them when anyone proposes to rob us of their companionship. It is obviously not the ideas themselves that are dear to us, but our self-esteem which is threatened.”
Carl Rogers wrote the following in his book On Becoming a Person:
I have found it of enormous value when I can permit myself to understand the other person. The way in which I have worded this statement may seem strange to you. Is it necessary to permit oneself to understand another? I think it is. Our first reaction to most of the statements (which we hear from other people) is an evaluation or judgment, rather than an understanding of it. When someone expresses some feeling, attitude or belief, our tendency is almost immediately to feel “that’s right,” or “that’s stupid,” “that’s abnormal,” “that’s unreasonable,” “that’s incorrect,” “that’s not nice.” Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand precisely what the meaning of the statement is to the other person.”
According to Ben Franklin, you should do the following to make others more receptive to your opinions and reduce your own embarrassment when you are wrong:
Make it a rule to avoid contradicting others
Avoid the use of words and expressions that suggest a fixed opinion, such as certainly, undoubtedly, etc.
Replace those words with words and expressions that suggest a flexible opinion, such as I conceive, I apprehend, I imagine, or it so appears to me at present.
Deny yourself the pleasure of contradicting someone when they say something absurd
3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
If you know you are going to be criticized, do it to yourself first before the person has a chance to criticize you ⇒ this will lead to a more forgiving attitude and it will clear the air of guilt and defensiveness.
When you are wrong, admit your mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.
4. Begin in a friendly way.
When you go at someone ready for a fight, they will respond in kind. When you go at someone with kindness, they will also respond in kind.Woodrow Wilson advises to use the following phrase: “Let us sit down and take counsel together, and, if we differ from each other, understand why it is that we differ, just what the points at issue are.”
5. Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
Don’t begin by discussing things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing the things on which you agree ⇒ Get the other person saying “yes, yes” at the outset ⇒ Confirm you agree on the outcome, and the only difference is method.
Keep them from saying “No.” ⇒ when someone says no, ego reinforces that no in the feature.
6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
Ask the person questions about their business and problem ⇒ let them tell you a few things (If you disagree, don’t interrupt) ⇒ listen patiently with an open mind ⇒ encourage them to express their ideas fully.
When our friends excel us, they feel important. When we excel them, they often will feel inferior and envious.
7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
We have more faith in ideas we discover ourselves than ideas handed to us.
Noone likes to feel that they are being sold something ⇒ they prefer to feel they are buying on their own.
Noone likes to feel that they are being told to do something ⇒ they prefer to feel they are acting on their own accord.
People like to be consulted about their wishes, wants, and thoughts ⇒ it makes them feel important and it leads to cooperation (This applies to clients, employees, and family members.)
8. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
When you think someone is wrong, try to understand them ⇒ there is a reason he or she thinks and acts as he does ⇒ and this reason contains a key ⇒ it will encourage the person to be open to your own ideas.
Ask yourself: “How would I feel and how would I react if I were in his shoes?”
In his book, How to Turn People Into Gold, Kenneth M. Goode wrote:
“Stop a minute to contrast your keen interest in your own affairs with your mild concern about anything else. Realize then, that everybody else in the world feels exactly the same way! Then, along with Lincoln and Roosevelt, you will have grasped the only solid foundation for interpersonal relationships; namely, that success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint.”
Before you ask someone to do something, pause and ask yourself: “Why should he or she want to do it?”
9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
This is a magic phrase to stop arguments: “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.” ⇒ this is true 100% of the time (Note: If you can buy this statement, it alone helps with empathy.)
Many people you meet are thirsting for sympathy ⇒ give it to them, and they will love you.
In his book, Educational Psychology, Dr. Arthur I. Gates wrote:
“Sympathy the human species universally craves. The child eagerly displays his injury; or even inflicts a cut or bruise in order to reap abundant sympathy. For the same purpose adults … show their bruises, relate their accidents, illness, especially details of surgical operations. ‘Self-pity’ for misfortunes real or imaginary is, in some measure, practically a universal practice.”
10. Appeal to the nobler motives.
Most people you will meet have a high regard for themselves and like to be “fine and unselfish” in their own estimation ⇒ we all like to be idealists at heart.
People usually have two reasons for doing a thing: a real one and one that sounds good ⇒ the one that sounds good is usually the noble reason ⇒ you should appeal this noble reason.
Assume people are noble and appeal to their nobility.
11. Dramatize your ideas.
Make your ideas vivid, interesting, and dramatic ⇒ use showmanship.
12. Throw down a challenge.
Frederic Herzberg (behavioral scientist) found that the most motivating factor of a job was not money, working conditions, or fringe benefits ⇒ it was the work itself.
Every successful person loves a game ⇒ the chance for self-expression, the chance to excel, the change to win ⇒ the desire to feel important.
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
As a leader, you often have to change people’s attitudes and behavior. There are nine fundamental principles that will help you change people:
Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
Let the other person save face.
Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
If you must find fault in someone, start with the good news ⇒ it’s easier to listen to unpleasant things after we’ve heard praise ⇒ Praise is like novocaine ⇒ it takes the pain away, but you're still drilling.
Be tactful like Abe Lincoln ⇒ “There are some things in regard to which I am not quite satisfied with you.”
2. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
After you give praise, don’t follow up with the word “but” ⇒ instead, replace it with “and”.
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
Don’t judge people based on your experience, judge them based on their own. (Note: this especially applies to founders who hire entry level employees.)
4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision.
Avoid saying:
“Do this” or “do that.”
“Don’t do this” or “don’t do that.”
Instead say:
“You might consider this.”
“Do you think that would work?”
“What do you think of this?”
“Maybe if we were to phrase it this way it would be better.”
“Is there anything we can do to handle this… ?”
“Can anyone think of different ways to… ?”
“Is there any way to adjust our hours and personnel assignments that would help?
To encourage cooperation instead of rebellion, spare a person’s pride and give them a feeling of importance.
Questions do two things:
They make your order more palatable
They stimulate the creativity of the person you ask
Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it also stimulates creativity.
5. Let the other person save face.
Don’t criticize people in front of others ⇒ consider the person’s pride ⇒ be considerate.
We destroy a person’s ego when we cause them to lose face ⇒ avoid this.
6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
Praise inspires people to keep improving ⇒ we all crave appreciation and recognition, and we’ll do almost anything to get it.
Praise = magic ⇒ it inspires people.
Jess Lair writes in his book I Ain’t Much, Baby—But I’m All I Got:
“Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise.”
By praising people, you helping them accomplish more of what they are capable (i.e. you help them succeed)
If you inspire the people you meet to realize the hidden ability they possess, you can transform their lives.
“Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.”
7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
If you want to improve a person, act as though the desired trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics ⇒ Give them a good reputation to live up to, and they will make an effort to maintain it.
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Avoid criticism ⇒ it destroys almost every incentive to try to improve.
Be liberal with your encouragement ⇒ make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you believe he has the ability to do it.
Help people discover that learning is easy and fun.
9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
This is one of the most important rules of human relations: “Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.”
Keep the following guidelines in mind when you are trying to change attitudes or behavior:
Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.
Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.
When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.
A process for self-examination, review, and appraisal of these principles
Each week, ask yourself:
What mistakes did I make?
What did I do that was right—and in what way could I have improved my performance?
What lessons can I learn from that experience?
At first, this review might make you unhappy, but this system of self-analysis and self-education, continued year after year, will do more than you can imagine.
Random Quotes
“The ability to deal with people is as purchasable a commodity as sugar or coffee. And I will pay more for that ability than for any other under the sun.” - John D. Rockefeller
“Education is the ability to meet life’s situations”. - Dr. John G. Hibben.
“The great aim of education is not knowledge but action.” - Dr. John G. Hibben.
“Judge not, that ye be not judged.” - Bible
“Don’t criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.” - Abraham Lincoln.
“Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof, when your own doorstep is unclean.” - Confucius
“I will speak ill of no man,… and speak all the good I know of everybody.” - Ben Franklin
“A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men.”
“To know all is to forgive all.” — Proverb
“The deepest urge in human nature is the desire to feel important.” - John Dewey
“Everybody likes a compliment.” - Abraham Lincoln.
“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” - William James
“Here lies one who knew how to get around him men who were cleverer than himself” - Andrew Carnegie
“There is nothing I need so much as nourishment for my self-esteem” - Alfred Lunt
“Don't be afraid of enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you.” - General Obregon
“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.” - Henry Ford
“People who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them.” - Owen D. Young.
“Self-expression is the dominant necessity of human nature.” - William Winter
“We are interested in others when they are interested in us.” - Publilius Syrus
“People who smile tend to manage, teach, and sel more effectively, and to raise happier children. There’s far more information in a smile than a frown. That’s why encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than punishment” - James McConnell
“Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.” - William James
“There is nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” - Shakespeare
“Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” - Abe Lincoln
“Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices.” - Emerson
“Few human beings are proof against the implied flattery of rapt attention.” - Jack Woodford
“There is no mystery about successful business intercourse. … Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattering as that.” - Charles W. Eliot
“People who talk only of themselves think only of themselves.” - Dale Carnegie
“Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.” - Disraeli
“Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love.” - Buddha
“No man who is resolved to make the most of himself can spare time for personal contention. Still less can he afford to take the consequences, including the vitiation of his temper and the loss of self-control. Yield larger things to which you show no more than equal rights; and yield lesser ones though clearly your own. Better give your path to a dog than be bitten by him in contesting for the right. Even killing the dog would not cure the bite. - Abe Lincoln
“My wife and I made a pact a long time ago, and we’ve kept it no matter how angry we’ve grown with each other. When one yells, the other should listen—because when two people yell, there is no communication, just noise and bad vibrations.” - Jan Peerce
“Men must be taught as if you taught them not
And things unknown proposed as things forgot.” - Alexander Pope
“You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself.” - Galileo
“Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.” - Lord Chesterfield
“One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing” - Socrates
“I judge people by their own principles—not by my own.” - Martin Luther King
“Agree with thine adversary quickly.” - Jesus
“Be diplomatic. It will help you gain your point.” - King Akhtoi
“By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected.” - Proverb
“He who treads softly goes far.” - Chinese proverb
“If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.” - La Rochefoucauld
“The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.” - Lao-tse
“Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint.” - Kenneth M. Goode
“I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person’s office for two hours before an interview, than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person—from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives—was likely to answer. - Dean Donham
“The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.” - Charles Schwab
“I have never found that pay and pay alone would either bring together or hold good people. I think it was the game itself.” - Harvey S. Firestone
“Firing employees is not much fun. Getting fired is even less fun.” - Marshall A. Granger
“I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.” - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
“Compared with what we ought to be, we are only half awake. We are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources. Stating the thing broadly, the human individual thus lives far within his limits. He possesses powers of various sorts which he habitually fails to use.” - William James
“The average person can be led readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability.” -Samuel Vauclain
“Assume a virtue, if you have it not.” -Shakespeare